So this isn’t something I’d usually write about, but I suppose it’s good to get it out somehow.
Today, I cried. Quite a lot and quite continuously. I felt it coming and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop it when I started and I couldn’t stop it the second or the third time either.
Don’t worry, nothing very devastating happened. Let me explain.
Today I had a hospital appointment, to check on my CF, see how well my lungs were functioning and if the extra medication I had been taking had helped my health to improve. Simply put, it didn’t. My lung function was 11% lower, and my cough still present.
I was frustrated that my lung function had declined that much, especially as I’m not actually feeling very unwell, but I knew it would be focused on by all members of the team. So now I am starting a new inhaled medication and this was basically all it took to make me cry. Stupid right?
I normally just deal with whatever CF throws at me. New med? Fine. Increase nebulisers? Sure, I’ll give it a go. I don’t let CF get to me, and I certainly don’t let it control me. If you met me in person, the fact I even have CF is probably one of the last things you’d learn about me.
But today, I guess things just got too much. It didn’t help that I was already in a bad mood (you try living with my family for a whole summer), but then the frustration at not getting better and the prospect of more medication was just enough to set me off.
Let me say here that I am not unwell, you may hear me cough or see me taking medication but at this point in time, I am not unwell. I am better than I ever used to be. I haven’t been admitted to hospital for several years, which is a great record for me. In comparison to other people with CF, I am doing really well. That’s the perspective I normally take. How can I complain when other CF’s have it so much worse?
But sometimes it can get too much. I can look around me and see a crowd of healthy people, not coughing, not inhaling medication or taking a handful of tablets everyday. These are people that haven’t been told they have a 50% chance of developing CF related diabetes by the time they’re 30. These are people that don’t have to treat a condition day in, day out, every day, for the rest of their lives. Compare me to them, and maybe I’m not so healthy after all.
It’s okay not to be okay. Everyone has their down days, days when things get too much, days when you just aren’t feeling strong enough for what life wants to throw at you. My down days only happen once in a blue moon and it’s okay to have them. I am not living a life like those around me, I have more responsibilities, altered priorities and a very different daily routine. I’m aware that I’m living a different kind of lifestyle, I have been all my life but it’s not often that I find myself getting overwhelmed. It all comes down to attitude and perspective. Life is here and I get what I’m given. I haven’t got time to let it get to me, I’ve got to just get on with it. Where would I be if I didn’t?